Description
The blonde hair of this elderly elf has been braided into a long plait that
she has wound into a bun atop the back of her head. Favoring comfort over
style, she wears an emerald tunic embroidered with a multitude of twinkling
stars. Tan cotton pants, silver teardrop earrings, and plain leather shoes
complete the simple ensemble. Her cerulean eyes are still bright as ever,
though the edges of her eyes are accented with crows feet. More wrinkles
can be seen around her cheeks when she smiles, which is not an uncommon
sight. Her ink stained hands shake slightly, but she maintains a proper
posture and does not seem to be overly bothered by the quirks of her
aging body.
Role
About Cedany
Added Tue Aug 11 22:18:52 2020 at level 1:
Cedany considers herself an adherent of Einoh, though she has yet to
visit his temple. Her dedication to the sphere of revelation is partially
manifested in her habit of writing down nearly all that she experiences,
for better or worse. While she often claims that she will review her own
musings, she rarely does, and her journals serve more as a diary than any
sort of scholarly record.
Her journey to follow Einoh's tenets has not been as simple as she had
hoped. Fifteen years ago, in an attempt to help a new settler to Voralian
City, Cedany only managed to anger the female human she purchased food
and temporary lodgings for. After listening to a scathing rant on the
supposed 'pissing contests of helpfulness' that the woman claimed her
elven kin engaged in, Cedany was left to wander the city alone. She asked
herself many questions surrounding that night, and has yet to find
answers to all but the most trivial of inquiries. In truth, she knows
that the woman was lonely and lashing out, but that doesn't stop the
torrent of self doubt that urges her back to the forest, to focus on the
simple acts of goodness. such as healing and helping her own kin first.
Now, with over a decade of time passing since that moment, Cedany is
seeking to find her place in the world. Does she fit into the faith she
aligns herself with? Does helping individuals truly matter? Will all her
accomplishments be forgotten in favor of those who changed the world in
earnest? Why is the nature of 'goodness' so elusive?
An orphanage?
Added Wed Aug 12 04:06:55 2020 at level 1:
I journeyed to the Inn of the Eternal Star and happened upon a wood-elf
and half-drow. The half-drow, Gristal, is supposedly an agent of chaos
with the interest of helping another one of the faithful build an
orphanage. He told me of Ariendal, who also follows Einoh and is working
on the orphanage. Perhaps we can meet soon and combine our efforts.
There is much to do yet, and my head spins with the possibility of it
all. I must train, fund myself with coppers, and eventually make the
pilgrimmage to the temple. I hope that this orphanage project will
glorify Einoh and provide a sanctum for those in need. Sun willing, it
might even provide me some clarity on my own path.
Reflections on joining the Fortress
Added Wed Aug 19 15:29:17 2020 at level 42:
Much has occurred since I last wrote in this journal. I have tried to reflect
often, but I find my mind and body harried with the demands of adventuring. I
must take more time to focus inward - and I will be more protective of that time
going forward.
I have joined the Fortress as a scribe after speaking to the Elder Prophet. I
believe the protection of the Light will aid me in my path to pursuing goodness,
though I will need to find a balance between my duties as a scribe and my path
as an adherent. Aynwinria has managed it well, and she inspires me to be better.
I have learned that I do not need to place pieces of my life into separate boxes
- I must weave the disparate parts together.
Aynwinria and I also spoke of Einoh's task. She is a good listener and I am glad
that the Fortress is filled with so many of the faithful. She could have easily
judged me for the evil and apathy I hold in my heart but she only listened. I
suppose she has learned Einoh's lessons well on her path.
I must also learn the ways of combat. I managed to escape the ire of a Druid
only to fall to a Reaver within my own guild when my mind was focused inward. I
will train with the Maran - perhaps Vaeri, to ensure that I am ready to confront
those who would stop me in my efforts to heal and defend the Light.
In memoriam
Added Thu Aug 20 03:59:22 2020 at level 47:
I do not know what to think. I am hollow. Rarywey fears the same as I do - that
Gristal truly did take his own life. While he said he was evil at the very end -
along with a number of other regrettable things, I cannot help but feel a
profound sense of loss. I saw how he struggled and how he suffered from his
past. He wished to build the orphanage so that he could see whether or not
children were a product of their environments. I believe that statement to be
more telling than I initially thought. He was not musing on the concept simply
for the sake of inquiry. I think he wished to know in order to see if what
happened to him could be prevented.
This day is so awfully bleak. Is that the true nature of evil? Is that part of
Einoh's truth? I was lucky enough to be born as an elf, surrounded by the Light
and kin who cared for me. Perhaps many of those that are evil are simply molded
by their circumstances. I cannot say with certainty that I would not turn to
hate if I was enslaved as he was. I am sure that not all evil follows this
pattern, but it is an disconcerting notion. How do I heal wounds that run
through memories? How do I heal a lack of trust? How do I ease pain that echoes
through one's body until they wrap themselves up in spite?
Perhaps I will find out in time. For now, I am even more resolved to build the
orphanage than I was before. I also wish to examine evil from a different lens.
I must expand the definition beyond apathy and anger - I wish to understand
the evil that stems from neglect.
Failed goals, confusion, and conflict
Added Tue Aug 25 16:55:01 2020 at level 51:
A journal entry where Cedany reflects upon all her goals and those she has
recently met - including evil shapeshifters and Morius.
...
I thought it would be simple. Five simple goals.
Join the Fortress. Reflect on Einoh's tenets. Preach the word of my faith.
Protect the Maran and heal them when able. Do the most good that I can for those
that need my help.
When did it become so complicated? Was it always this complicated? I have been
trying to pursue my path of speaking to all that I meet and trying to understand
them. I *know* that we are not all that different, I must simply figure out how.
There was an orc at the tavern who was as well spoken as any elf. He can't get
into Galadon while horrid necromancers and other evil beings do. Of course, my
kin were not so sympathetic to his cause. Then I met with the evil shifter
Vodette after she hunted me. She told me she was lonely and we journeyed
together for a time. I'm lonely too. Now Morius seeks only to annoy me and pull
me from my path. Part of me fears that it could work. It is nice to be spoken to
and to feel wanted. It would be so simple to just give up on all those goals.
I'm not exactly meeting them to the standard I set for myself. Instead, I have
managed to drag Rarywey and Aynwinria into my mess. I do not think my brothers
and sisters in the Fortress hate me for speaking to the ones that I do, but I
worry their patience will wear thin. Is any of this bringing honor to the Light?
This path towards morality feels like a mire that I cannot stop myself from
wading into.
Most of all, dear diary, my secret truth is this: I don't want to have goals
anymore, they are choking me.
Flaws and the Unending War for the Light
Added Mon Aug 31 19:31:01 2020 at level 51:
A journal entry in which Cedany reflects upon her completion of Einoh's task and
her path forward in service to the Light.
---
I have challenged both Rarywey and Ariendil to confront their flaws. It was
tremendously difficult to find significant flaws that would lead them towards
righteousness. For Ariendil, I asked him to write a letter to himself -
forgiving himself for the past that he fixates on with such intensity. I also
requested that he wrote a letter to those that he hurt, as he might not ever be
able to confront them face to face, as he wishes. I hope that this allows him to
accept himself fully - so that he can better serve others. I do not expect him
to give up his search for forgiveness, but I hope he can accept that he is not
solely to blame.
Rarywey's flaw was more difficult. She acted with good intent in her heart, but
she promised me she would never lie to me again and promised it rather hastily.
I asked her to reflect upon the nature of morality as well as the consequences
of the lie of omission that she committed. While her promise was genuine and
righteous, I feel she needed to more deeply understand the context and examine
her intentions. I do not think she meant to hurt me.
Beyond that, the nature of the battle for the Light confounds me as well as a
few squires. Countless have come before me and Light willing, many generations
will come after. I feel that my work to find in-roads and commonalities between
myself and others of all walks is even more vital. How long will this war go on
for? I have started to write an outline, but my talk with Lady Ishuli made me
reconsider my approach. If it is simply a book of reflections, anecdotes, and
lessons learned, I will be accused of being an arrogant and out of touch elf. If
it is more analytical, I might come off as cold and heartless. I must decide
between the two. I do not care if my life's work sits unread. If we wish to
change Thera for the better perhaps I can start by chronicling these events for
future generations. I cannot allow these musings - be they right or wrong - to
die with me.
Loneliness and exclusion
Added Wed Sep 9 17:36:34 2020 at level 51:
A journal entry in which Cedany reflects upon her chat with Olethros. The final
line is underlined multiple times, in various colors of ink.
---
There are days where I feel like an outsider within the walls of the Fortress.
How can I not feel like an impostor when everyone else is angry and upset at
Olethros for hunting elven mages of the Light? He is our kin, but simply being
born as an elf does not supersede everything else. The Maran would strike down
an elf that committed evil acts if all other avenues were exhausted. When a
Villager does the same, he is questioned. Why?
I think Olethros is a parallel to us in some ways. He is an example of all that
the creed warns us against. He is willing to give up walking in the Light to
pursue his goal. We would praise him if that single-minded fury was against our
foes, I think. It bothers me immensely, and I worry about speaking out because
everyone is so focused on their own hurt. Why doesn't anyone think of the hurt
he experienced to get him to this point?
He is lonely. Vodette is lonely. I am lonely. So many in Thera are lonely and
focused on wars and grudges. I am starting to wonder if loneliness and neglect
can be healed at all. Can I redeem those who have slid from the path
righteousness in utter silence? We often talk of how evil whispers and quietly
beckons us towards the path of ruination. I am starting to wonder if our own
inability to empathize with the lonely souls around us is another way that evil
triumphs.
I will keep trying. I must.
Failures
Added Thu Sep 17 01:39:07 2020 at level 51:
I find myself oscillating between irrational actions and ideas that seem almost
right. Does securing the codex matter if I do so with those who are unpure? I
fear that I let down my Lord today, but I am woefully sick of just sitting in
the Fortress. I know I am not a Maran. I am not supposed to be on the front
lines, but I just needed to feel something again. Anything. Drawing helps, but
only until I realize that it is a distraction.
I have hundreds of years until I die, and yet I feel that most days slip away
without me doing much of anything at all. Now I have to grapple with the fact
that I was a wanted criminal for aiding both the pure and unpure in a raid. I
drowned myself in the sea to escape the Tribunal's justice. What does that say
about me?
I fear that the answers of my nature are becoming clearer, and I do not much
like them. I am not much of a beacon of the Light. I am flighty, afraid, and
prone to rash actions. I want everyone to be happy. I want to do good things.
But all those wants don't result in much if I'm the same foolish girl that left
the forests.
Admitting the truth
Added Fri Sep 18 19:31:23 2020 at level 51:
(A journal entry in which Cedany comes to terms with the fact that she is
envious of those who can 'fail'.)
These last few days have been difficult. I feel alone, even when surrounded by
friends and those of the Fortress. My life has been wonderful compared to
theirs. My family didn't die in a plague, nor was I enslaved by Sitran. With
everything pushing me towards a virtuous life, why do I find it so difficult to
walk the proper path? The last time, I chalked up retrieving the codex with
Maere as me not wanting to be 'do nothing'. That is a part of it, yes, but it is
the part that makes me look better than I am. In truth, I think I seek the
muddled areas of this world because I want permission to fail. I want to see the
muddled parts of the world for myself. I find myself thinking of Rarywey and the
others who can walk off the beaten path without feeling like a damned fraud. I
want both, but I cannot have both. It is the height of selfishness and
stupidity.
So many people reach out to me and call me Acolyte. It hurts me every time. What
would they think if they knew how quickly I jumped to help Maere? I love helping
those who seek my aid. I love doing good acts that are within my reach. But
denying someone and risking that they hate me? Apparently that is my massive,
idiotic stumbling stone. Aynwinria seems so well-reasoned. Ariendil seems so
composed. Why don't I have any of that? Why do I falter in the face of a choice
that most other people would deny without a second thought?
I visited Rahsael's temple today. In talking with Maeneekoni, it occurred to me
that I might lose everything because of these hang-ups. I might be ousted from
the Fortress or my faith. Or both. But I can still help others. I helped before
I found Einoh and my home. But I really don't want to lose these things. I want
to fix myself.
Tragedy and Finality
Added Sat Sep 26 13:45:13 2020 at level 51:
(A journal entry in which Cedany tries to understand how to move forward without
the Fortress in her life.)
So much has happened over the last few days. I am heartbroken for Olethros,
thrilled I found my muse, grateful to have spoken to my Lord, and furious at
Morius. Oh, and I left the Fortress and pledged to the Heralds. It pains me
that such horrid events would need to take place for me to have absolute
clarity, but it seems that I need finality to shake me from my impulsive ways.
With so many of my failings laid bare, I am left to wonder about how I ended up
here. How did I get to the point where I am comfortable calling a horrid man a
'lesser evil'? I have endeavored to walk the path between light and darkness. I
do not think that was where I went wrong. I believe that my Lord was trying to
encourage me to realize that I had dulled the horrid edges to the point that I
stopped seeing evil for what it was. There is a difference between empathy and
willful ignorance, and I have tended more towards the latter. I guess the why
doesn't matter so much though. I mean, it does... but I need a path forward. I
need to figure out how I am going to keep doing good while in the Heralds if I
am accepted. Once I have found my path again, I can spend even more time on m
reflections.
Guarding myself against temptation should be my first priority. I must remember
that all the feelings of being alone are not true. It is another way for evil to
rest in my heart, and I cannot let it influence my actions. If I am not the type
to condemn or slay evil, what am I? There must be something more than writing
missives, listening, and outfitting those of the Light. How can I protect those
who are susceptible as I am? Sharing my story might work, but I am not quite
willing to share it. I will need to keep praying and reflecting.
No Longer A Fraud
Added Fri Oct 16 13:20:24 2020 at level 51:
(In which Cedany reflects upon her path thus far and the plans of certain
evil-hearted individuals).
I can't help but to look back on my old journal entries and think upon the
choices I've made. I am not so dismayed by my past-self as to be ashamed, but
there is a measure of bewilderment that I feel. Above all, I am happy that I
have progressed past that stage in my life. I feel it is much like my painting.
It took me years to grow proud of my work, and even though I am do not shy away
from displaying my work, I see still the glaring faults that others might
ignore. Even with decades of practice, there are still certain subjects that are
difficult to sketch.
When I pledged myself to the Heralds, Rarywey asked me whether or not I would
start painting faces. She knew hoe much the prospect scared me. She challenged
me - demanding more of me than I ever would for myself. Now I have had to take
on that role. I have made progress, I think. I've revived the Post, hosted a
small contest, and painted my best work yet. I have stood up to the mummy and
other evil individuals. I have tried to live into the standard she set for what
it means to be a Herald...
And yet... I am still anxious. I know that mummyone, Narra, and maybe even
Saerha are up to something. How do I challenge myself to prepare for a
presumably horrid event that I do not know the nature of? Telling others of the
Light of what I know is a start... but I will need to figure out how to do more.
I wish they felt the urgency I did. Or maybe I am worrying too much?
In any case, I am proud to end this entry on a happier note.
I am confident I can make a difference. I am no longer a fraud, and I have my
faith to guide me. That *will be* my mantra moving forward.
Reflections on Love and Loss
Added Mon Oct 26 15:01:07 2020 at level 51:
Is it true? Do I hate myself?? I have scribed the words from the encounters with
Rahsael's aspects into my journal, as if I might be able to use them in some
sort of cautionary tale in the future. But for who? It is all just a bit too
personal. The accusations are a touch too sharp to read to anyone else. If I
read them, will they end up cut to shreds as I am? I think the most likely
outcome might be worse. They'll pity me and assure me it isn't true, as if any
of their words can cushion the accusations that echo within my mind. They see
the side of me that helps others, they don't see all of those I failed to help.
I know there is no tally, but it is difficult to find joy in my successes when
my failings have been given a voice to harm me.
After all of that I told Ariendil I was fine. I assured him that I was better. I
am, sort of. Not really. Aynwinria slipped off into the wilds knowing she saved
someone. I'm not sure I'll have that assurance when I find my bones failing me.
Again, there is no tally. There is no cosmic list of the souls that have been
saved by adherents of the Light. Perhaps my smaller acts of goodness have
stopped someone from falling into despair. It is a pleasant thought.
And then there is Rarywey. As I scroll back through my old diary entries, I am
reminded of how much happier I was with her around. I know I tend towards being
morbid - most medics do. There are only so many dying men you can see before you
find a way to excise the parts of you that were foolish enough to believe in the
notion of miraculous recoveries. I didn't tell her how much she meant to me. I
didn't tell her how much she inspired me or how many adventures I had hoped to
go on with her. There were so many words left unsaid - as if I didn't learn the
most important lesson from all of those dying men. No day is guaranteed. I can
beg, I can pray for the strength of my Lord, but there is nothing that will stop
the turning of time. At least I can write it here, in part.
Gristal, I am still sorry. I am trying to do better.
Aynwinria, I miss you dearly. I need your wisdom more now than ever.
And to Rarywey, my muse, I cared about you more than anyone else. I still do. I
hope you are happy among the stars, though they pale in comparison to what you
are.
Two halves of a distanced whole
Added Thu Oct 29 14:44:31 2020 at level 51:
(A long journal entry in which Cedany continues to muse on her own nature -
especially her desire to understand others. She has moved on from learning about
the experiences that are shared among Therans and instead focuses on the kin
that confound her)
I don't think I'll ever understand as much as I want to about those I care
about. I've been thinking on this for days, going back and forth wondering
whether *I'm* the problem or if there even *is* a problem. Evil is
incomprehensible at the best of times and none of my kin fight to understand it.
What am I supposed to do when it is those same kin that are thousands of miles
away from me, separated by their philosophies on life and loss?
I am the problem, in some ways. I have always distanced myself from my losses.
It's easier to see them as events in time that bring pain to others. If someone
dies, I am perched upon the outermost circle. Even if it rends my heart to be
without them... I never put myself in the frame. It was their Loss, their
experience... their existence. But what does that leave for me? If I won't
acknowledge the impact others have on me until a century after they leave, am I
ever going to be able to celebrate them? It only takes a few scarce months for
the memory of their face to fade. Their voice leaves my mind a few months later.
Decades later, my memories paint them in silhouette, and I can't stop it. That's
the cruel reality of distancing myself... I don't just lose them. I also lose
the heart of my memories and their idioms and every other little thing that they
were. I think they lose something when I pull away. Surely they must sense my
hesitance. But I don't want to think on that.
Then there's the other side of the coin. Is there a problem? Do I have to
understand them? When I said that unwilling change of my body was the worst
thing *I* experienced, I meant it. If we look at events that only pertain to me,
I have lived a charmed life in the Light. However, It is unrealistic to only
look at those instances, as so much of who I am is bound up in the lives of
those I care about. One side of me is rather unscathed, the other side is
fending off wounds that would come from acknowledging my part in the lives of
others.
I have tried to reason this out. Without the separation and walls I've built, I
would be even more prone to panic when healing adventurers who were close to
death. I feel that I'd slowly crack under the weight of the memories, until I
refused to make any connections out of fear. I keep hoping there's a balance.
I'm not sure how, but perhaps I can find some way to see myself in their lives,
as a part of their story. Would it make me a better friend? Or a more apt
healer? Would I be able to do more good for others if I wasn't haunted by my
memories? Maybe it would be a disaster. Only time will tell.
On aging and agendas
Added Mon Nov 2 05:41:48 2020 at level 51:
(This journal entry lacks the elegant script of the prior entries. While the
writing would not be considered ugly by any means, the lines that form the
letters are uneven, with occasional blobs of ink dotting the page in odd
places.)
In all the time I have spent on Thera, I have been preoccupied with my goals,
adventures, and acts of kindness. A sea of faces has greeted me beyond the gates
of the Fortress, on the streets of the cities, and across the bar of the Inn. I
find myself thinking less upon people and more of the places that are rarely
visited. My bones ache when I wake, and I have seen the way the women in the
soup kitchen move aside when I walk in, as if I am some relic to be danced
around. I am old, yes, but am I that old?
I suppose I am.
Thinking of people reminds me of how quickly the centuries have passed, and I do
not wish to fall into despair. So I will focus on places and that which I know
in my heart:
1) Acts of kindness to those in need
2) Prayer and meditation
3) Writing various tomes for submission to the Lyceum
4) Staying near to my friends and to those who need someone to listen to them
It is a simpler agenda than any I have pursued before. There are no more
grandiose goals that I keep in the forefront of my mind. The one thing I have
not figured out how to do is how I wish to say goodbye. I do know I want to, but
the method escapes me. Will it be enough? I suppose I will save those thoughts
for next week, or the week after.
On once-friendships
Added Sun Nov 8 14:56:35 2020 at level 51:
I am lonely once again. Perhaps it is my own fault. I cannot be so steadfast as
Ariendil and content only in the presence of my faith. Mortals are social
creatures and I am no exception. I do not know what to make of this situation
with Birbmwn. I have done everything I can to be a good friend, even risking
that I would receive a warrant so she would not die. I have defended her when
everyone else assumes ill intent on her part. Now, the truth of her is revealed
to me and I am left clutching at shards of a once-friendship. When I am more
upset than I have been in recent memory, she doesn't apologize or ask if I am
okay. Instead, she 'apologizes' for the fact that *I* think she is lying. It is
more insulting than most non-apologies. She accuses me of insulting her when I
am hurt, telling me that my feelings are insulting. It makes no sense.
There are so many manipulations that I cannot even think of more than a few
without crying again. I tried to tell her of her manipulative behavior. I had
hoped to rely on the rock of my faith to see me through this. Perhaps if I
told her of the flaw I saw within her, she would realize how serious I was.
She redirected the conversation, pushing her good acts to the fore. When that
failed, she accused me of lying in my past missives. There is no winning, and
she doesn't care.
But there are bright points in my life still. I've vowed that I'll end these
entries on a positive note, even if it kills me. Boldr is a bright beacon of
Light, telling tales and walking his own path, free from religion. I wrote my
letters to Ariendil and Rarywey on the off chance that the Lord of Loss does
answer my missive. I've started writing my entries for the Lyceum, and I feel at
peace when I work on my entries. Perhaps I will submit some paintings too. I'm
still not sure my work is quite good enough, but the worst they can say is no.
On love and flaws
Added Mon Nov 16 20:44:04 2020 at level 51:
"... and where would the world be without a Cedany? It'd probably be mostly
the same." - Lady Daphedee, at the Inn.
As it turns out, an old elf can learn new tricks. The quote above sounds so
simple, doesn't it? One day, if anyone reads these pages, I imagine they will
roll their eyes and mutter to themselves about how self-absorbed I was. The
truth is, I never thought the world would not stop turning without me. But I
think Daphedee was right to mention my fear of being judged by others. Thera
would not stop if I was erased in the minds of those of care for - but a part
of my inner world would fall to pieces. How many centuries have I spent hating
myself? I would need to find the fifteen or so journals that preceded this
one, and I still might not find the start of the rot within me. No wonder
Rarywey tried so hard to get me to believe in myself. Still, I have time left.
I can be someone that she is proud of, and show her that I learned to be less
humble and more... ???
(The writing trails off here, denoting that Cedany was unsure what to write.
The next sentence is penned in a new color of ink, as if she hoped to create
a layer of separation from the section above.)
That isn't the only reason I'm writing here. After being confronted by Lord
Gaspare in the Inn, with him thinking I was Lady Daphedee... or putting on a
rather good show of it... I realized something else!
I. Was. RIGHT.
People don't always need lectures on faith and reason to be saved. They need
someone to be there - they need the memories of the times when a blanket and a
strong whiskey pulled them out of the depths of despair, even if they never
fully stop drowning. Even if their captor is just as flawed and lost as they
are. I am not glorifying Lady Daphedee's trip into Hell... but it is the most
relatable thing I have heard about in some time. Love is like that. It reveals
the bravest, stupidest, most vulnerable, unfathomable parts of ourselves. We
become something better and worse, all for that person who means so much to
us. I probably shouldn't be crying over their story, but I have been for the
last few hours. I'll need to keep reflecting on all of this, I think. I feel
so close to some breakthrough, but only the divine know what it might be - or
if it's even the truth.
Into the Dream
Added Thu Nov 19 15:25:27 2020 at level 51:
I've spent so many years worrying about this damn ritual. I've sent countless
missives, consulted with my Lord, spoken to Ariendil and Rarywey... I've even
pleaded with Birbmwn to give me information. Perhaps I went about it the wrong
way. I've read enough novels to know that there were more covert ways to learn
about this fated trip into the Dream.
Now that it is nearly here, I find myself strangely hollow. I still care about
the outcome, I still intend to stop any evil acts I see, but I am... distant
from it all. It's difficult to summon the strength to do anything other than
simply exist and trudge into the dream. I spent all these years worrying and
nothing has changed. I feel just as clueless and frustrated as I did when it
started.
The novels don't tell you about being bone tired, do they? They speak of leads
and successes and thwarting some wily adversary. You get to the final chapter
and there is a resounding sense of accomplishment. Is it sad that I was
looking forward to Birbwmn leaving me out of the trip? If she did, I could
stop worrying in earnest. Instead, I'm here, just kind of... waiting and being
grumpy. Ugh.
The bitter taste of truth
Added Sun Nov 22 11:34:33 2020 at level 51:
(This journal entry is written in red ink. Tears have soaked into the
parchment, making certain words unreadable.)
I had went into the Dream with a strange sense of trepidation. I expected
something cataclysmic. (Thanks, brain). Instead, there are only more
questions. And for once, it isn't the questions that bother me.
Birbmwn told Ariendil of what little she knew before we made the trip. So they
both knew about the why... and neither of them told me. How do I even begin to
process that? I've cried and screamed. I've dangled my legs from the stage of
the ampitheater and just... stared outward. I've hidden in my cave.
The truth finds me in all of these places and it reminds me that they *could*
have told me. They could have whispered it the second before we stepped
through the portal. They could have written a one line missive. But they
didn't. The truth screams at me, seeking to send me spiraling into despair.
Birbmwn I can understand. She is loyal to her faith above the Light. But
Ariendil? He was the one person I considered my truest friend. Before we went
into the dream, I offered to give my life for his, if it came to that. I still
would, I think. But that truth would be a rock in my throat, choking out all
but the smallest gasps of breath. Would I even have the strength to move?
Maybe I'm overthinking it... and maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe he had a
reason.
But I've shared *everything* with him. I'll confront him eventually. Maybe.
Not tonight though. I have an event to plan and a bottle of wine with my name
on it. 'Cedany, the over-trusting'. Here's hoping it isn't half as bitter as I
am.
The end of a long chapter
Added Tue Nov 24 13:55:08 2020 at level 51:
Well. I was wrong about Ariendil. He didn't tell me what Birbmwn said because
he didn't think it meant anything. I think I knew that deep down, but the trip
to the Dream eats at me. I'm not mad about the failure. If someone wants to
keep a ritual hidden, it isn't all that difficult. I'm more upset at myself. I
spent *so* much time trying when I knew the odds weren't in my favor. That
time could have been spent helping those in need or working on events for the
Inn. Worse still, I let my frustration cause me to doubt someone I never
should have doubted. I'll need to apologize to him for that.
In other news, I broke my favorite pen over that idiotic doll.
'Gristal ball'. ...
I don't think I've heard anything so succinct and cruel in my one thousand
years of life.
It got to Syl too, though not so bad. I worry for Boldr. I could see him
buying into that faith if he was hurt enough. I wouldn't tell him not to
pursue it - faith is a personal matter. Even so, I'm going to need to write
him a letter to stay strong when I pass on. I have no doubt he will, but I
want him to know how much I believe in him and how much he means to me. I see
so much of myself in him. We have our ridiculous doubts, we care for others,
and some part of our artistry saved us.
So many of my worries have evaporated. I'm not leaving the Inn empty. Ariendil
isn't leading the Fortress alone. The Light is strong - there are so many
young adventurers that give me immense hope in the future. I've even met the
most reasonable villager ever. (Probably).
On Contentment and Joy
Added Wed Dec 2 08:52:08 2020 at level 51:
It finally happened. She knows I love her, and she feels the same.
More importantly, she always knew.
I think that says a lot about me and my fears. How could I ever think someone
as wise and empathetic as her would not know? She experienced so much of the
same, it seems painfully silly in hindsight. Still, I wasn't known as a
reasonable elf for most of my life, and I don't think love is the influence I
needed to realign my path towards logic.
The Inn has Boldr, and I have all the faith in the world that he will succeed
in ways I cannot even dream of. The Fortress has a Captain and an Elder
Prophet once more, and the Light shines radiantly with souls who would see the
wicked punished for their misdeeds.
There is nothing more that I could ask for.
PK Wins
Sep 7, 2020 |Lv 51|The Tahril Mountains|Bamon vs 3: [51] Gnimos (37%, crush), [51] Cedany (10%), [51] Vondersita (52%)
Sep 13, 2020|Lv 51|The Redhorn Mountains|Saerha vs 2: [51] Cedany (0%), [51] Kayloren (100%, piercing cold)