Description
This orc isn't little, exactly. Objectively speaking, he's actually quite
large, with a bit of a gut and the usual ropey muscles common to orc-kind.
But there's something furtive in the set of his shoulders, his beady eyes,
and his manner of walking that makes him seem much smaller than he really is.
This effect is exacerbated by the oversized cloak of stinking leather he
wears, which, even draped over his armor and weapons, dwarfs him entirely,
leaving him looking rather like a child wearing his father's coat.
Role
Lil Wuk's Keen Scientific Mind
Added Sat Jan 11 01:27:49 2025 at level 21:
Wulkhun? Oh, yeah, I can tell you about him, although I'll admit I'm curious
why you're asking. He's not someone most would care to learn more about. Is
he in trouble? Are you with the Magistrates?
Oh, whatever. Just buy a drink and I'll tell you anything you want to know.
The first thing you need to know about Wulkhun is that he's stupid. Yeah, I
know -- a stupid orc, what a surprise, right? But you're not getting it. He's
*really* stupid. And more to the point, he's gullible, to a degree I doubt
you've experienced, even in orcs.
Let me give you an example. The first time he stormed in here, what he said
was, "Little Wulkhun wants a pint of your finest elf-wine." Except his
actual words were, "Lil Wuk wann pint-a finish eff-wine, yous gibb now," but
I got the idea.
What's that? Was I scared? No, not particularly. I was behind the bar, and we
paid the Invoker's Guild for rune-traps a few years ago -- if anybody tries
to jump it, let's just say it'll go badly for them. Anyway, I looked him in
the eye and said, "Wine doesn't come in pints, and that doesn't seem like
much of a drink for an orc," but he didn't understand. Nothing would satisfy
but that I pour him a pint of our finest elf-wine. So I grabbed the spittoon
from our last wine-tasting event and said, "Here you go," and he chugged it,
pleased as punch. He's been paying top dollar for our cast-off wine-spit ever
since.
That's the kind of mind you're dealing with.
The third time he drank our spittoon, I asked him why he was so into wine,
and found out that some wag told him that's what elves get their magic from.
Said if he drank enough of it, he'd become a "big wizard," just like an elf.
Like I said, he'll believe pretty much anything you tell him.
Lil Wuk's Deep, Dark Secret
Added Sat Jan 11 01:35:12 2025 at level 21:
What, you want to know more about Wulkhun?
Buy another drink and I'll be happy to go on. The second thing you need to
know about him is that he thinks he has a "secret."
Here's what I *think* happened. Orcs bully each other, right? Of course. So
when Wulkun was a wee cub, or whatever you call a juvenile orc, one of the
older ones told him he was one-third kobold. Said that if Wulkhun didn't give
him his lunch, he'd tell the chief, and Wulkhun would have to be a slave.
Wulkhun's believed that ever since.
Now, I don't know for a fact that it ISN'T true, but mathematically, with
four grandparents, I'm not sure how you can be one-third anything, and
biologically ... let's just say I have questions. But Wulkhun really believes
that this is his deep, dark secret.
(Not that he's all that good at keeping it. He's been coming here for ... it
must be three years now, and I'm pretty sure he's spilled every secret he
has. He's not a good drunk.)
Anyway, I have to say Wulkhun's belief engenders certain qualities in him
that aren't very attractive, even for an orc. Wulkhun has a bit of ... I
guess you'd call it body dysmorphia. He isn't a particularly small orc, but
he THINKS he's small, being one-third kobold and all, and that makes him
extra cowardly and extra-EXTRA annoying. You've never met an orc so willing
to wheedle and cajole and whinge to get what he wants.
No, seriously. I've seen him start bar fights, usually over dice, and when
the other bloke inevitably gets the upper hand, it's all ...
"Why yous so mean to Lil Wuk?"
"Errybody hate Lil Wuk. Why yous no be nice, yarr?"
"Lil Wuk just wann few coin. Yous so rich, Wuk SO poor, why yous no gibb?"
Every damn day. For three years.
Lil Wuk's Ambitious Goals
Added Sat Jan 11 01:37:10 2025 at level 21:
What, you want to know even MORE? Wow, you're really crazy about this guy,
huh? What's he to you?
What does Wulkhun want? Um. The same things that all orcs who leave their
village want, I assume. Plunder. Gold. Meat. Slaves. If you want someone with
a rich inner life and ambitious goals, ask about one of our other customers.
I'll tell you what I'm pretty sure he DOESN'T want: to be chief. He's never
actually *said* that, it's just a hunch. Not sure someone who thinks he's
one-third kobold has the confidence to rise that high, and I think Wulkhun
thinks that if he gets too famous, somebody might figure out his "secret."
I will say that sometimes, Wulkhun gets weird ideas in his head. He can't
read, but there's this duergar who reads the Gazette to him some mornings --
Wulkhun calls him Mister Lums -- and he definitely sometimes makes stuff up.
Like, once he told him there was a rat problem in Galadon and the Mayor was
paying people to release live cats in the city at fifty gold a pop. The next
time I saw Wulkhun, his arms were covered with scratches. So if you see him
doing something weird, it's probably just a duergar pranking him.
...
Yeah, that's really all I have to say about this guy. For now. I'm sure he'll
be back this evening, quaffing from our spittoon and spilling more secrets,
so come back another day and I can tell you even more about him. Although
it still beats me why you care.
Lil Wuk's Sticky Situation
Added Wed Jan 15 05:41:44 2025 at level 22:
Oh, lord, it's you. Back already? I'm assuming you're here to ask about
Wulkhun again, and I really, really don't want to talk about him with you
right now.
Why? You're kidding, right?
Look, let me paint you a word picture. Just this morning, he came tromping in
here, sobbing like somebody took his favorite toy and carrying half of a
half-dead dwarf, and no, I didn't just misspeak. You see that wet spot?
That's where he plopped it. I only just got that clean.
Morning, Wuk, I said to him. What's. Um. What's with the dwarf, guy?
I'll save you a migraine and refrain from quoting him exactly, but as near as
I can tell, Wuk's secret got out. Sort of. I guess some ... random kobold
heard, and now he's ... blackmailing Wulkhun? I think? Said he's his
granddad, and if Wuk doesn't bring him fresh meat every week, he'll tell the
world.
Yes, I know the world doesn't care. Wulkhun cares, though, doesn't he? Bought
it, hook, line, and sinker. He's scared toothless. Wouldn't stop blubbering
that his life was over. When he dragged that poor, moaning dwarf out of there
he kept yelling, "Lil Wuk meat delivery! Traditional orc recipe! For kobold!
For no reason!" He really thinks he's slick.
Now, I know the kobolds didn't find out from ME, and I think we can agree
it's a pretty big coincidence that they found out right after I told YOU. I
don't know what kind of game you're playing, and I'm sure you find this all
dreadfully amusing, but that's because the meat doesn't make a weekly pit
stop in YOUR bar before Wuk lugs it over to the warrens. I'm trying to run a
business here, you realize that?
Okay. You're right. I'm being unfair. I don't actually know that you told.
them. After all, Wuk probably blabbed his secret to twelve people before
breakfast today. But if it *was* you ... if you're planning on messing with
him any more, maybe just ... consider the collateral damage next time, would
you?
Lil Wuk Finds Religion
Added Thu Feb 6 05:49:24 2025 at level 35:
**** EXCERPT: Internal Communications, Galadonian Gazette
***
From : Obelib Oaken, Editor-in-Chief
To : Galadonian Gazette
Subject : Cult?
Sugar, it's been two weeks. Where are we with the Zurcon story?
***
From : Kemma Trisk, City Editor
To : Galadonian Gazette
Subject : Re: Cult?
You really have to stop with the pet names, Obelib. We talked about this.
And we're nowhere. I'm spiking it. There's no story here.
***
From : Obelib Oaken
To : Galadonian Gazette
Subject : Re: Re: Cult?
In what world is possible cultist activity not newsworthy?
***
From : Kemma Trisk
To : Galadonian Gazette
Subject : Re: Re: Re: Cult?
I had my best reporters look into this. We interviewed Deldrick, a bartender,
and this duergar dockworker. They all told us the same thing: the only
"cultist" is some orc who doesn't have any idea what he's getting himself
involved in.
Trust me, you really don't want to know any more than that.
***
From : Obelib Oaken
To : Galadonian Gazette
Subject : Re: Re: Re: Re: Cult?
I'm pretty sure I do.
***
From : Kemma Trisk
To : Galadonian Gazette
Subject : Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Cult?
Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you.
As near as I can tell ... there's this orc who thinks he's a kobold. He
doesn't WANT to be a kobold, and also, he's getting blackmailed by kobolds?
It's all rather murky.
Anyway, my reporters say he's been harassing certain Heralds into teaching
him how to turn into a full orc, which I think HE thinks involves drinking a
lot of wine and then vomiting up the kobold part of himself. Don't quote me
on that. The main Herald he's been bothering just kicked it -- Livhne, we ran
the obit yesterday? -- and the orc spun out, and I guess he ran into an
Actual Cultist who told him Zurcon would make him not-a-kobold if he (the
orc) let him (Zurcon) out of his box. Now he's been stealing boxes from the
post office. I'm guessing he's hoping one of them happens to be the
right one.
Also, I think this orc is the same one who's been trucking half-rotten steaks
down Park Road out the Northwest Gate, if you remember that cityguard brief
from last week. So ... that's neat.
How's that, Ob? Are you glad you asked?
***
From : Obelib Oaken
To : Galadonian Gazette
Subject : Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Cult?
Gods above and devils below, is there anything we can actually print here?
***
From : Kemma Trisk
To : Galadonian Gazette
Subject : Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Cult?
You're the boss, but let me put it like this: if that orc EVER does anything
noteworthy as a disciple of Zurcon, I'll let you call me "sugar."
But hey. We did discover that wine bar he hangs out at, so it's not a total
loss. It's actually pretty nice. We should run a review sometime.
PK Wins
Jan 1, 2025 |Lv 17|Udgaard|Elsiriel vs 1: [17] Wulkhun (100%, chop)
Jan 1, 2025 |Lv 17|Hidden Forest|Linai vs 1: [17] Wulkhun (100%, slash)
Jan 2, 2025 |Lv 18|The Seaport of Hamsah Mu'tazz|Draezakhael vs 1: [18] Wulkhun (100%, thrust)
Jan 4, 2025 |Lv 19|Outskirts of Galadon|Ghustu vs 1: [19] Wulkhun (100%, claw)
Jan 5, 2025 |Lv 19|Ar'atouldain|Linai vs 1: [19] Wulkhun (100%, claw)
Jan 7, 2025 |Lv 19|Voralian City|Galdarian vs 1: [19] Wulkhun (100%, black light)
Jan 10, 2025|Lv 21|Forest of NoWhere|Volcalv vs 1: [21] Wulkhun (100%, chop)
Jan 11, 2025|Lv 21|South Dairein Settlement|Rorgod vs 1: [21] Wulkhun (100%, cleave)
Jan 13, 2025|Lv 21|Galadon|Rorgod vs 1: [21] Wulkhun (100%, cleave)
Jan 15, 2025|Lv 23|Forest of NoWhere|Geyju vs 1: [23] Wulkhun (100%, cleave)
Jan 17, 2025|Lv 25|Galadon|Geyju vs 1: [25] Wulkhun (100%, blast)
Jan 19, 2025|Lv 25|The High Pass|Hadgpid vs 1: [25] Wulkhun (100%, blast)
Jan 22, 2025|Lv 25|Hardan Road|Emral vs 1: [25] Wulkhun (100%, caustic smash)
Jan 22, 2025|Lv 25|The Seaport of Hamsah Mu'tazz|Taerzya vs 1: [25] Wulkhun (100%, lightning bolt)
Jan 22, 2025|Lv 25|The Redhorn Mountains|Cravalance vs 1: [25] Wulkhun (100%, slash)
Jan 24, 2025|Lv 26|Forgotten Crypts|Thaddeux vs 1: [26] Wulkhun (100%, beating)
Jan 24, 2025|Lv 26|Forgotten Crypts|Abhi vs 1: [26] Wulkhun (100%, beating)
Feb 1, 2025 |Lv 35|Galadon|Morgmir vs 1: [35] Wulkhun (100%, beating)
Feb 2, 2025 |Lv 35|Galadon|Fulgorus vs 1: [35] Wulkhun (100%, crush)
Feb 2, 2025 |Lv 35|The Eastern Road|Avaturae vs 1: [35] Wulkhun (100%, blast)
Feb 3, 2025 |Lv 35|Ayr'Trinil, the Arial City|Weth vs 1: [35] Wulkhun (100%, slice)
Feb 9, 2025 |Lv 36|Galadon|Jabril vs 1: [36] Wulkhun (100%, savage feeding)
Feb 11, 2025|Lv 36|Moudrilar's Monastery|Hrymbahk vs 1: [36] Wulkhun (100%, cut)
Feb 13, 2025|Lv 36|Galadon|Bognash vs 1: [36] Wulkhun (100%, slash)
Feb 16, 2025|Lv 37|Bramblefield Road|Grimkah vs 1: [37] Wulkhun (100%, cut)
Feb 22, 2025|Lv 38|Galadon|Sreowah vs 1: [38] Wulkhun (100%, cut)
Feb 22, 2025|Lv 38|Feanwyyn Weald|Zigglut vs 1: [38] Wulkhun (100%, crush)
Feb 27, 2025|Lv 38|Northern Foothills|Zhazar vs 1: [38] Wulkhun (100%, savage feeding)
Feb 28, 2025|Lv 38|The Village of Azuremain|Zhazar vs 1: [38] Wulkhun (100%, caustic slime)
Feb 28, 2025|Lv 38|The Village of Azuremain|Thusael vs 1: [38] Wulkhun (100%, infernal power)
Mar 9, 2025 |Lv 40|The Dragon Sea|Smuthri vs 1: [40] Wulkhun (100%, cut)
Mar 13, 2025|Lv 44|Mount Calandaryl|Tathamety vs 1: [44] Wulkhun (100%, cut)
Mar 16, 2025|Lv 45|Mausoleum|Hildegarde vs 1: [45] Wulkhun (100%, crush)
Mar 19, 2025|Lv 45|The Open Plains|Tivarius vs 1: [45] Wulkhun (100%, cut)
Apr 2, 2025 |Lv 50|The Eastern Road|Skeggi vs 1: [50] Wulkhun (100%, savage feeding)